oh hey what a surprise. i cant sleep. so what does linda do when she cant sleep? she writes. too bad ive pretty much exhausted all subjects to write about. i'm officially out of things to say. wow i never knew that was possible for me. just give me a second and i'll think of something....
all right im just going to say whatever is on my mind because let's be honest, not more than 3 people read this thing anyway.
right ok, so why cant i sleep? besides the fact that i have an insomnia problem, i have ten bazillion things on my fragile mind. ok that was an exaggeration. i have ONE thing on my mind and one thing only. i dont know what is wrong with me. grrrrrrrrr. i just dont get like this over boys anymore. every time someone gets serious about me, i dump them like a bad habit. i just always find something wrong with them. something small and stupid. like....really stupid. you think im exaggerating, but they really were the most miniscule things. need examples??:
he read cosmo
he put on his chapstick with his pinky
he swore too much
he breathed through his mouth
he called me Lin (riiiight...because my ex NEVER called me Lin and neither do my friends...?)
he was "too nice"
he laughed like a girl
i also really, truly miss ryan. sometimes i hear the song that reminds me of him and it makes me laugh. but i really just want to cry. and more than once i've thought that i saw him walking in the hall at school or walking into my work. and for a second i think it's him and then i remember he's dead and it just makes me sick to my stomach. I really loved that kid. not in the romantic way of course, but i cared about him. i know he loved me, and i feel so bad for treating him like crap when he told me that. i just feel so guilty about it all the time. i wish i could just have one more night to hang out with him like old times. i want to go to his old apartment and just walk in without knocking and plop down on the couch and hear his funny stories and watch him do his impressions and play some video games or some RL. or have one of our deep conversations...cuz lord knows that kid could talk for HOURS. haha. i hate that the movie Garden State is out now and everyone keeps talking about how great it is, because Ryan and I saw it in the theater about a week before he died. and all he could talk about was how it made him think about his own life and how he wanted to get it back on track and be a better person. and he was ready to do that. and then he was gone. i just cant even comprehend it sometimes. and i refuse to watch that movie again.
whoa ok so this is like getting all serious. i dont like that. being serious. it aint me. i wish i had something funny to say but i dont. ummmmmm. right. ya im not really a funny person. so i'll just try falling asleep again. but i'll actually probably end up just laying there and thinking. damn this brain. so full of thoughts. curses to being me and always thinking.
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