Come fly with me

Hello there, world!!!!! ......or the six known people who read my blog.


so people are constantly asking me about my job and what it's like and im getting pretty tired of trying to explain it to them. Because im not sure it can really be explained. rather, it requires an in-depth description. a day in the life of a flight attendant. is there anything more thrilling?? doubtful. and so it begins:



I awake around 4 a.m. (or 2 or 3 or 10 or maybe even 2 in the afternoon....you never really know) to the sound of my phone ringing. I immediately groan and look at the caller id to see that it is, in fact, the crewdesk. i answer.



me- "hello."

crew desk- "hello this is mark (angelo, pam, dave.......) calling from the chicago crew desk im looking for linda."

me-"that's me."

crew desk- "I have an assignment for you today."

(I say nothing because i've kinda fallen back asleep and it's 4 a.m. and im crabby)

crew desk- "Do you need a moment?"

me- "im ready."

crew desk- "i.d. number 9002 check-in is at 0810, you're flying to seattle, seattle to san fran, san fran to portland. laying over for 20 hours in portland. next day to san fran, and it's open-ended."

me- "check-in at 0810?"

crew desk- "That is correct."

me- "ok. thank you."

crew desk- "Thank you."



at this point i usually hang up and then sit for a good 15 minutes trying to figure out what time i need to wake up. it takes a while because im still half in a dream and did i mention im crabby. i finally figure that i need to be up by 6. i set my alarm. and go back to sleep.



my alarm sounds. im not pleased. i shower. put on my hot dress. (literally hot, as in it's made of polyester and sticks to me in the heat.) i make sure my bag is all packed. i put on my ipod. and out the door i go.



about a 15 minute walk to my train station. and about a 35-45 minute ride on the train. i like to take a nap on the way. because, as ive mentioned, im not a morning person. and so i usually nod off and awake right around the time we're approaching ohare.



get off the train. walk into the airport. put my ipod away. try to look professional. go through employee security. and im now in the terminal. walk down to the elevators and it's off to the secret lair a.k.a. the domicile a.k.a. the land of oz. which is only accessible via security code.



once in the domicile, the first thing i like to do is go to the computers and check my i.d. i pull up the i.d number i was given on the phone and it gives me my entire itinerary for my trip including my hotel info. i print it. fold it up, put in my pocket. at this point i walk over to the briefing rooms (which are actually just cubicles with desks) and look at the briefing sheet hanging on the wall. i look to see where my briefing is. i usually have about 15 minutes to kill, so i go to the lounge and watch t.v. Flight attendants are sprawled out on arm chairs and lazyboys, curled up with blankets. most are sleeping. (pretty much the only profession i know of where you regularly nap with your coworkers). i find an empty chair and watch some news. i find a random magazine left behind and steal it. it's a good day when you've found a magazine.



time for briefing. i return to the scheduled briefing room and see two flight attendants. if im lucky, they're young and nice. if it's my turn to have a bad day, their usually named ruth or margaret and have been flying since 1962. they hate people under the age of 50 and they also paint on their face.



let's say this trip is a bad trip and so im flying with two nazis. this is how the briefing would sound:



me- "Hi. I'm Linda."

Marge- "Im Margaret."

Ruth- "Ruth." (followed by a scowl)

Marge- "Let's get this over with. we're flying to seattle. captain skippy and first officer scooter. both chicago-based. we're on a 37. flight time 3 hours 59 minutes. 10 minutes late. the movie is bridge to terabithia. You guys have BOB in back and i have lunch up front. the aft galley chillers are inop and seat 8d does not recline-"

(this is usually where the other one interrupts and says something snarky about how it's not surprising something is broken on the plane because united airlines is cheap and Glen Tilton took all of the money).

Marge- "Ruth where would you like to sit."

Ruth- "i'll take 3 and set up."

Marge- "Linda that makes you 2. make sure you brief the exits."

Ruth- "So, Linda. are you brand new or what? you look like a baby. what are you, 17?"

Me- (wanting to tell Ruth that her face is painted on crooked today) "Ya im about 6 months. and im not as young as i look."

Marge- "We're at C-17."

Ruth- "Let's get this over with."



We collectively grab our bags and walk back out into the airport together toward the gate. at the gate we are greeted by an agent who checks our i.d.'s. if the plane is there, we get on. if it's not, we sit around and wait. meanwhile passengers waiting at the gate stare at us as though we are using magical powers to keep the plane from arriving on time. it's always our fault. really.



once on the plane, we do our safety checks. i check the pressure on the oxygen tanks and on the fire extinguishers (halon and water). unlock the AED and make sure the hourglass is flashing. check for the escape line packs over row 11. check the first aid kit, extended delay kit and STU kit. locate my demo equipment. check for the blue dot on the PBE's. and check the lavatories for any suspicious substances or signs of tampering with the smoke detectors. and then begin boarding, assuming there are no delays. which is rare. if i greet i stand at the front door and smile at people and say hello and try to think of different ways of saying hello without having to say the word "hello" 150 times.



make some boarding announcements over the PA, asking people to please place their smaller bags underneath the seat in front of them so other passengers with larger bags can use the overhead compartment space. and then i stand in amazement as people blatantly ignore me and place everything they own in the overhead bins. (and then act surprised when we run out of room).



trying to make room for a passenger's large bag, i politely ask a man who has placed his briefcase in the bin if he would mind putting it underneath the seat in front of him. this way, the passenger will not have to check their large bag to baggage claim:



me- "Excuse me, sir? Is this your briefcase?"

very important businessman- "Yes." (speaks to me as though im a peon)

me- "I'm sorry, but would you mind putting it underneath the seat in front of you? We're trying to make space for this man's large bag."

V.I.B.- "Well, UGH, I'd prefer not to." (looks at me like i just asked him to fly the plane)

me- (wanting to say that i'd prefer a non-flammable uniform, but we can't have everything) "ok."



so the man is forced to check his bag because the V.I.B. needs his briefcase in the overhead compartment. he really, really does.



other rude, yet very common interaction with the public:



me- "Hi there! Welcome aboard."

rude lady- "Can i have a blanket."



or even better:



me- "Hello! How are you today."

a man who is clearly more important than me- "What time are we landing."



i love my job.



exits briefed. bags stored. door closes. doors armed. (by the way, at THIS moment, i actually start getting paid.) then comes the safety demo. somewhere in the back of the plane, a 15 year old boy mimics me as his little sister giggles. an old couple to my right is already snoring. the businessman to my left ignores me and reads his paper because he knows everything and doesnt need me. until he wants his gin and tonic.



following the safety demo, a woman hands me a dirty diaper as i walk through the aisle, because i double as a trash receptacle.



i sit in the jumpseat for take-off. Ruth talks my ear off about how much she hates the company. i wonder why she doesnt retire so i can get some seniority. i also wonder why she hates her life so much.



the double ding indicates 18,000 feet. we can get up. set up the cart for the service. 2 OJ's, about 4 waters, milk in the ice drawer. 2 coffee pots, and a hot tea. we're ready.



Ruth yells "ELBOWS!" as she pulls and i push. embarrassed, i meekly repeat "Watch your elbows please." as we make our way to the front of the plane.



during the service, i hear the word "thank you" approximately twice. people try to hand me trash as i ask them what they would like to drink. i begin to wonder if i actually resemble a garbage can. i usually get at least one woman who yells at me for not having dr. pepper. because that is my fault. really.



service ends. time to pick up trash. a truly humbling experience to walk around with a trash bag and say "thank you" as garbage is thrown at you.



and then we wait. this is where it gets boring. if we're lucky, there's leftover food from first class that we can eat. (if i actually like it.) pumped to actually have something to eat, i sit on my jumpseat balancing the tray on my knees. passengers bump into me as they pass in and out of the bathrooms. a line forms and they all stand there and watch me eat. awesome.



im usually able to eat about half my food before someone comes to ask me for something. a refill. a blanket. headphones. a band-aid. tylenol. a magazine. my left kidney. my first-born. and so my dreams of eating food have gone out the window.



time drags on. we eventually prep the cabin for landing. at this point i walk through the aisles and ask people who have reclined to return their seats to the upright position. they look at me as though im speaking a rare dialect of latin. and then hand me more garbage. people amaze me.

and then finally, we land. once again to the sounds of Ruth complaining. we disarm our doors. (at this point, we STOP getting paid). wait patiently in the back of the plane for all the passengers to get off. make sure nothing was left behind. check the lavs for any stragglers. grab our stuff, deplane, and look at the monitors in the airport for our next gate. if we have some time before our next flight, we sit around and wait. if our plane is there, we go ahead and get on.



and do the same thing alllllllllllllllllllll over again.







and that's pretty much it. a day in the life. jealous? i figured you would be.


other than all of that, life is good. no serious complaints, aside from my usual grievances. but some updates since my last blogging session:

1) the gnats are gone. it's true. the nasty sewer-like insects that invaded my home have vacated. sound the trumpets. pop open the bubbly. it's time to party.

2) the air conditioner in my apartment is fixed. and it only took the landlord about 2 weeks to do it. he pretty much sucks at life.

3) Syphilis is back. i never knew it went anywhere. but i saw on the back of a bus today the exclamation "Syphilis is back!" so apparently, this is a revelation. i find it humorous that they actually took out an ad on the back of a city bus to announce to the world that syphilis is back in action. im completely amused. is that wrong? if it is, i dont want to be right.


adios muchachos.