are you ready for this? i may get serious. i dont typically like to do it, but im feeling quite serious tonight. and so sometimes serious linda has to take over.
i had an epiphany today. i really like that word by the way. epiphany.
but i truly did. i realized that throughout my entire life, i've either looked forward to something or missed the past.
when i was a kid, i desperately wanted to be a teenager. i imagined i'd drive a cool car like the powder blue convertible i had for my barbies. and i'd have a boyfriend named charlie. and i'd have boobs. this was essential.
when i was a teenager, i missed being a kid. i wanted my jelly shoes and powerwheels back. i wanted a summer of bike rides and ghosts in the graveyard. a summer without a job. yet i also couldnt wait to be an adult and move out of the house. i imagined i'd move to new york city with tina, be a famous author. have a cat or two. then meet a dreamy man on the subway (or leonardo dicaprio....i wasn't picky). marry him. live on the beach. have 10 kids. and die.
then i went to college. and then i missed being a kid AND a teenager. i wanted my best friends back. i wanted bonfires at chrissy's house and stupid high school parties. and i wanted to act like an idiot at the movies. and go to lame high school dances. and i also couldnt wait to be done with college. all i wanted was to get out of the hell-hole a.k.a. evansville, teach at a cute school. marry. have a cat and dog. have like 10 kids. and die.
and now, here i sit. missing college AND evansville. i miss going for runs on the river and at burdette park. i miss my boys. i miss jen and kristy. i miss dogtown. i want the late nights at hollywood video back. i want the double shifts at o'charley's. i want karaoke night at the bowling alley. i even miss going to CLASS. because i miss learning and using my brain. i miss writing papers.
and now i also like to waste my time wishing it were the future. because i like to make myself believe i'll somehow be happier then. but i realized today i wont be any happier then. this is me. this is my life. this has BEEN my life. i think people need to stop waiting for their life to start and start living their life. and im one of those people.
i've also been feeling lately that im not doing with my life what i was really meant to do. im not saying the flight attendant life isnt thrilling (because OBVIOUSLY if you've read my previous posts, it's glamour to NO END. sarcasm.) BUT when i was younger i seriously believed i'd write a book. i mean, i had a pen name picked out and everything. with the help of my aunt laura. thanks aunt laura.
there was just no question about it. i'd be a writer one day. and now im thinking.....not so much. i can talk about doing it all i want. but i dont see it happening. and that's kind of sad.
and im not saying im not happy. because duh, i totally am. im an extremely happy person. all the time. sometimes i think i freak people out with the happiness. in fact, im not sad at all. im just.....thinking. curses to this brain and always thinking.
and now i must go to bed because my work literally just called me for a trip tomorrow and i need to be up at 3:15 a.m. which means im going to get a little over 3 hours of sleep.
you see? glamour.
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